the worst goodbye of all...

or the post i never wanted to write.

the last 2 weeks have brought the death of my grandfather and my great aunt.

and now my sweet dog...

elliot.  *

january 20, 1997 - september 16, 2011

i'm still in shock.

i still can't believe it.

and i want so badly for it not to be true.

most of all....i'm heartbroken.

my family got elliot in 1997 when i was 21 years old.  i'm 36 now.  he's been such a huge part of our lives but mostly mine.

i loved him more than anything and probably too much, but i couldn't help it.  he was the sweetest dog you'd ever meet.  loving, calm, gentle, and sensitive and wanted nothing more than to be right by your side.  he was miserable when left alone but so excited when anyone returned.  for a long time he would give out a bark, a ruh-roh, if you didn't pet him fast enough when you got home.  i always loved that.  he was always eager to follow me wherever i went, especially to my bedroom, so he could jump in the bed and make himself at home.  it was his favorite place and nothing made him happier.  i often adapted my schedule to prevent him having to be left alone because it broke my heart.  he would always look at you with his sweet eyes and make you want to stay.

i'm so ready for this month of tears and heartache to be over.

i know the heartache will never leave but hopefully it won't be quite so bad.  i wonder how much heartbreak one can take...

i will always love you elliot.  you were the best companion anyone could ever ask for.  i can't imagine the world without you in it and frankly, i don't want to.


* disclosure:  we almost never called him elliot.  we called him bew or bewbew.  no idea why i started calling him that but somehow it stuck.

rest in peace bew...

to love...

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."- C.S. Lewis

somebody's watching me....

in an ever growing attempt to get my money's worth from my health insurance company, i've been referred to a slew of specialists.

partly because i moved and had to find new doctors here and get established as a patient.

and partly because, well, why not.

my latest referral was to a sleep specialist.

i've never been a good sleeper.  ever.

i've also never felt like i've gotten a good night's sleep.

it's always taken me hours to fall asleep, i awaken throughout the night and i'm always tired.

so, off to the ohsu sleep disorders program i went.

i saw a great doctor who suggested i do a sleep study.

the next night.

they do the studies in a hotel down by the river.

sweet.

except for the fact that someone is WATCHING AND RECORDING YOU ALL NIGHT LONG!

i checked in at 8pm.  a tech came around at about 9 and hooked me up to a million wires.

i had things hooked to every part of my body.  and they expected me to sleep??

luckily the doc gave me an ambien.

i still didn't sleep well though.

i was glad to be discharged early the next morning.

too bad i won't know the results for about 4 weeks.  but what can i expect when the tests yield about 1200 pages worth of data?

footloose

foot.

feet.

pain.

i've had chronic foot pain since the 9th grade.  

every step i've taken since then has hurt to some degree.

granted, it has varied over the years but it still sucks.

i've seen so many foot doctors over the years hoping for a cure but it has yet to happen.  

i saw another one last week and i'm hoping he's the one.

after x-rays he determined i had a heel spur you could hang coats off of.

lovely.

it's gotten so bad and inflamed that i have a list of things i have to do and then if that doesn't work....surgery.

i was given a ton of information, waited around a lot and had foot molds made.

and then.... i was given this to sleep in.

seriously?!  am i being punished?!